killintheblues

2009-09-12T01:43:00.001-07:00

2009-09-01T12:52:00.001-07:00

full disclosure

2009-06-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

i suspect my updating this thing will come in spurts, obviously i haven't posted in awhile. i just went back and read through some of these and the thing that struck me the most (besides the fact that i was less embarassed than i expected to be) is how little i resemble the person that someone who read this would think if they didn't personally know me. i spend too much time for my own good on the internet, and i know that. i think what i'm realizing is that part of the reason for that is how much easier it is to appear to be the person you want to be. in real life if i wanted to convince you that i was an intelligent, kind, well read person with impeccable taste in music with a slew of friends and hanging on my every word...well i wouldn't even know where to start honestly. in the real world your actions, your tone of voice, your body language, and a million other things betray you. online you get to present that one line from that song that really gets you, that one picture that makes you look amazing, the one witty comment you thought of all day. real life is pretty bland compared to the internet. the flip side is that reality is a lot less lonely.

if there is one thing i can say here that you can believe it is that i do not live up to my online persona. not even remotely. i dont spend all my time thinking about the state of humanity and creating art that enriches people on a daily basis. i don't have a million friends that i party it up with every night. i dont always listen to music that you have to put work into understanding. in reality i am an extraordinarily selfish person, and if someone tells you they don't particularly care for me there is probably a good reason for it.

i realize that this is not an original thought, but i felt it needed to be said. what i post here is what is going on in my head during my more lucid moments, it is certainly not what defines the real me.

sometimes

2009-04-11T02:17:00.001-07:00

you have to realize that your perspective is what matters. its crucial.

fuck regret.

josh.

2009-03-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

i call bullshit on willpower. it presupposes that your inherent nature as a human being is selfish and destructive, and requires you to fight against your desires, not try to understand and temper them. we live in a corrupt culture, our hopes and fears and dreams and desires have been twisted and used to turn us into selfish consumers, more concerned with what we own and how people look at us than we are in being free and being true to ourselves. i think if you disentangle yourself from that web of fear and selfishness and figure out what you believe and what makes you happy then willpower becomes not the defining trait of a good man, but a useful peripheral tool.

not that i have any real proof, been an interesting line of thinking though. its hard for me to really believe that life is supposed to be a battle against yourself, if one of the basic tenets of our morality is fighting ourselves, who we have everything in common with, what then does this mean about our relationships to others? history speaks for itself i think. theres got to be another way to relate to ourselves and our world.

more and more i think it goes back to descartes and the concept of a discrete separate self outside of the rest of the world. it separates animal desire from logical objectivity and puts the latter on a higher plane as what defines and enlightens us. so if our essence is not physical but divine, or at least separate, we feel no qualms about dominating and taking ownership of the physical. it makes our bodies tools to secure our own safety and continued existence. it also makes willpower a necessity, so that we can fight off the animal urges that get so twisted and used against us by others better at the game. its all been so entrenched in our culture and basic to our thinking for so long i dont know that anything other than a catastrophic downfall of society could change it.

science is the new religion, and it may bring armageddon yet.

a rambletastic current manifesto

2009-03-08T19:36:00.001-07:00

the older (and more educated) i get, the less i think that the evil in this world is a conspiracy. centralized power has historically shown itself to be inept at best, by its nature it isnt forward thinking or interested in the good of the whole. its interests are inherently different from that of yours or mine, because they lie in sustaining and growing its own influence and power at the expense of yours.

the way that power is centralized is it is taken from the hands of many by the hands of a few. so your money, your freedom, your dignity, and your knowledge are taken from you. what you are told is that it is because these few in power know what is best for you, they are benevolent father figures only looking out for your best interests. this is pretty obviously untrue i think, as again, by its nature its own safety and growth are its only interests.

so what do you get out of this deal? a lot of fearmongering, distraction, and the occasional outright lie to keep you believing that you are better off suckling the teat of the welfare state than trying to make your own way in the world. we are worse than slaves, because we would rather be assured gruel than have to figure out how to feed ourselves. the downside is that a man who is not free is not ever able to be a complete man.

before industrialization, forced schooling, corporatization, globalization, and the neutering of a constitution meant to keep those things from happening this is what america was like:

-we had a literacy rate of over 90% of kids. as in they were reading shakespeare and a whole lot of other things half our college students cant understand now. this is because people want to learn. being trapped at a desk in what amounts to a cell with thirty other kids your age and forced to memorize useless information in a way scientifically proven to make learning difficult kills that desire. forced schooling, as is detailed in a lot of reports and speeches at the time it came about, had nothing to do with education (hint: look up the definition and root words for schooling, it and education are two entirely different things). it had everything to do with preparing people to be fed to the industrial machine. so sit still, be quiet, and do as your told, because we need you in the steel mill, not on the farm.

-people were kept accountable by their communities, not some paper pusher at the center of the world generalizing overall behavior and doling out punishment and reward based on that. this had to be done for a long time, but the fruit of that labor is that people are now being born into a pretty efficient system that makes them buy into and eventually become the stereotype. i dont blame the guy that likes football and doesnt know a thing about politics, i feel sorry for him. he has been told that football is important, he feels helpless to change the real problems with the world and it is a great distraction. thing is if all these armchair quarterbacks would put half the energy into really trying to understand themselves and the world arount them...well for one thing big business and the government would be fucked, and thats all that matters at this point really. small communities live and die by personal relationships, and i for one would rather be kept accountable by someone that i know and that knows me. making the authority remote and untouchable makes it a lot less likely that you'll retaliate or challenge their decrees. the implications for personal freedom are pretty obvious here, given the nature of the beast.

-people did real, meaningful work, work that had a more or less immediate impact on their well being. you could see the fruits of your label and feel satisfied with having accomplished something. thats not the case anymore, and i think the void that leaves in people is among our biggest sources of discontentment. the disconnect between work and a result makes work something you do because you have to instead of something you do because it enriches your life (which incidentally is also because of an artificial scarcity that is necessary to industrial society, thats a whole different post).

now that i've read that whole thing it seems pretty much like disjointed rambling. maybe it is. im still trying to figure it out, every question turns up 10 more questions. gotta start somewhere though.

here is where i would suggest that you start.

http://johntaylorgatto.com

http://ascentofhumanity.com

and read anything noam chomsky wrote. even if you dont agree with everything he says he does a lot to help people with learning to think critically.

future posts to hopefully be a little more to the point and limited to one subject or another.

peace.

josh.

we the hopeful

2009-01-19T02:51:00.000-08:00

we the hopeful, we the dreamers
we the poets, always screaming
why should we hope, and why should we sleep
when our dreams are just promises we cant keep
and how many tales do we have to chase
we catch one and then wonder how others would taste
cause its never enough, all or nothing we sing
and more often than not its nothing we bring
and we breathe and we whisper our fears late at night
and we sin through the day, keep our consciences quiet
we will never be loved, or love others like we
wish that we could be loved, they deserve more than me
raise my glass drop the ball and with shining eyes gaze
at the sky cause down here things will still be the same
cause the curse of the hopeful, the dreamers and poets
is voicing heartbreak cause its we who best know it.

real

2009-01-11T10:12:00.001-08:00

life is not the movies.

language is a poor translator of feeling.

commitment is temporary at best.

privileges are not rights.

laws are not the exception to changes constant nature.

dogs are better companions than we are.

we are not sinners and saints, but cannibals and vampires.

your secrets keep you lonely.

this has meant nothing.

the world

2008-12-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

is going to hell in a handbasket and all i can think is i don't want to watch it burn alone.

maybe that makes me smallminded. i can't decide.

tom waits knows how to say it:

They hung a sign up in our town
"if you live it up, you won't
live it down"
So, she left Monte Rio, son
Just like a bullet leaves a gun
With charcoal eyes and Monroe hips
She went and took that California trip
Well, the moon was gold, her
Hair like wind
She said don't look back just
Come on Jim
(Chorus)
Oh you got to
Hold on, Hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I'm standing right here
You gotta hold on

Well, he gave her a dimestore watch
And a ring made from a spoon
Everyone is looking for someone to blame
But you share my bed, you share my name
Well, go ahead and call the cops
You don't meet nice girls in coffee shops
She said baby, I still love you
Sometimes there's nothin left to do

Oh you got to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I'm standing right here, you got to
Just hold on.

Well, God bless your crooked little heart St. Louis got the best of me
I miss your broken-china voice
How I wish you were still here with me

Well, you build it up, you wreck it down
You burn your mansion to the ground
When there's nothing left to keep you here, when
You're falling behind in this
Big blue world

Oh you go to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I'm standing right here
You got to hold on

Down by the Riverside motel,
It's 10 below and falling
By a 99 cent store she closed her eyes
And started swaying
But it's so hard to dance that way
When it's cold and there's no music
Well your old hometown is so far away
But, inside your head there's a record
That's playing, a song called

Hold on, hold on
You really got to hold on
Take my hand, I'm standing right here
And just hold on

god

2008-12-14T17:10:00.000-08:00

its hard to learn from what you can't remember.